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Thursday, November 08, 2007

milk nose.

Kitty is a dear friend of mine from way back. The kind of friend that even though we don't talk for long stretches, we can pick up where we left off and hardly skip. We're both busy, well I am anyway. I'm pretty sure she just roams around her brickstone in a housedress and curlers, lighting one Eve from the butt of another. For her sake though, let us all pretend she's busy too. I'm more busy though o.k. so my neglect of the relationship can be justified at some abstract level. Hers on the other hand...well...ahem. Then, at random intervals, she sends me stuff like this and I know all is right with the world.

A couple weeks ago I was back in Michigan. While I was in town my buddy called me and asked me to help him install an attic fan in his ceiling. While my buddy I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:























A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy
hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:
















Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:
















There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:






















Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:























This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending
to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:























This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:























If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it
will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:























He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.


How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:























If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day























Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in
nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

















As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.























Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?














































I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."























And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."























Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:























I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:























Man, that's sexy.


4 comments:

Fixie Rider said...

TJH -

Now those are some classy outfits. Do you suppose Kitty buys her house dresses at JCP?

Check out what I found today... Unicorn Power gum!

I will be handing this out on Sunday - The Day of the Speedvagen.

Michael said...

I'm truly glad that I wasn't drinking milk ... great stuff! If there weren't printed proof, you'd never believe it happened.

Andy A said...

tjh: not even photoshop could make that shit up. OMFG.

you totally scored. i think you could do hi res scans of that catalog and sell it for huge money.

i'll take one!

i'll work on a race report today; your updates rock.

Greg said...

Let it be known that I literally crapped myself when I read this post. Classic. I could have been that elementary school kid....belt and all.