DING! We have a winner!

You can watch the original here...but why bother.

ME NEED!

My favorite jersey use to be this one, but now there's a new kit in town. Share the damn road...please.

I feel your pain...

I felt like doing this soo many times, but with not nearly such nice crap! Hurry and clickety-click before it gets pulled.

Here's the description:

Cyclocross Nationals Gear. Everything must go!	Item number: 330386088555
Start position and gear for

Description

2009 Bend Oregon Cyclocross Nationals Epuipment:

I can hardly believe all of this stuff fit in my car.

My loss is your gain. I am selling everything I own that involves cyclocross. I had the car packed and was headed to Bend for cyclocross nationals. The weather report and course conditions sounded brutal. I searched deep into my soul, and I have become too soft to be a real cross racer. This sport has broken my heart and crushed my dreams for the last time. Everything must go. Everything is included. If you win this auction you will have everything you will ever need to race cyclocross, and look like a complete pro. I have decided that I enjoy buying cyclocross stuff more than racing it. So do me a favor and buy it all. Unfortunately for me I will probably buy most of it back piece by piece on Ebay later this summer when my mental stability and optimism return.

The first 2 items you get are priceless. I am selling a front row call-up to the master’s 30-34 race. Last time I checked….. I think I have the #1 call-up and it is yours. Yes, you will be #1 for at least a few seconds. Front damn row! I do not have the skills to ride ice or snow so to be honest I have no business toeing the line. It is all yours. I have spent thousands of dollars chasing top 10 results at nationals, and now you can line up front row for a fraction of what I have invested. Gallons of sweat and thousands of miles ridden were the price for that front row. It is all yours. You won’t have any excuse. If you don’t win you will have to look in the mirror and say you suck. I can’t deal with that. You can have my demons. Just think…….You won’t have to show up early to the start. Actually, I would show up late just to walk through the 100+ racers who have to start behind you. Be sure to enjoy that moment. It will be the only fun you will have during the next 60 minutes. You will also get a UCI call-up for the ELITE race on Sunday. It won’t be anywhere near the front row, I sort of suck…….. but you can pretend with the other semi-elite, self sponsored, wanna-be, never was, not really elite racers that you stand a chance of not getting lapped by Page and Trebon. I will drive to BEND and pick up my numbers and pin them to your 2 NEW skin suits. Yes, you get 2 long sleeve skin-suits. These are super snug and show off your junk quite well. Each come with matching gloves, helmets, shoes, socks, and undergarments to keep you warm. You will look bad-ass I promise. One even has fake abdominals, so you can stop doing your core. Fire your coach now. You have made it to the big time. I also have 2 cans of instant tanning spray. You need a good tan if you want to look super ripped and fast.

Did I mention you get 3 bikes. Yes, I was so obsessed that I bought 3 cross bikes. All 3 are S-Works with full Dura-Ace, XTR, Paul’s brakes, tubular tires, etc. All 3 will get you a profile on PLUS ONE LAP for being sub 17 pounds. You will be the envy of weight weenies everywhere. You can Pre-ride on 1 bike and keep the other 2 clean as new. Did I mention you get wheels. Tons of wheels. I have no idea how many sets I have. I have every Tubular tire made. Dugast, Grifo, File tread, Fango, ETC…. The list goes on……. I have been searching for the best tire set-up for years so I just bought them all. I am including my hand-held electric inflator. If you don’t have one of these you will be blown away. Why pump when you can just pull the trigger? People will stop in the parking lot just to admire your bad ass pump. Now remember you get 5-6 sets of tubulars glued up by a complete Belgian ninja glue master. THEY will not roll. 3 sets of clinchers and 20 clincher tires. I have the old vintage GREEN Michelin’s, I have studded (you will want to try these), fat 29r’s, and every other tire you can imagine. I have searched the globe for a tire that can allow me to corner. Obviously I have not found the correct tire or I would be coming to Bend. The 3^rd bike has a Power-tap and SRM on it. You need both to be sure your power numbers are accurate. I have some training plans I will include, but none will prepare you ride ice and snow. Training is futile for racing on ice. You either have the skills or you don’t. You will also get my trainer so you can get a good warm-up. I have covered the drum on it with gravel so it feels like a cross course. My IPOD is included. With a set of Warm-up songs that will make you feel like ROCKY. No joke...you will feel the beat and won't be able to imagine defeat. I even have some motivational tracks from Tony Robbin’s. “you are a champion!” Say it with me….Believe it. DO it. Dream big or go home.

Remember when you bid that is cross stuff. If you are scared of dents, scuffs, dirt, then don't bid. I rarely wash anything. Most of my Kits and Skin-Suits are clean...but not sterile. My bikes are solid but have been ridden hard. I have 2 dozen PowerGels, a partially full tube of shammy cream, 3 dirty cycling bottles........6 kits for all of your pre-riding. They all match and a few are retro. So if you choose to warm up before the single cog race you will you blend in. All kits have matching gloves, socks, hats, and vests. 99% of cycling is looking cool, and you are going to look like a rock star. I am including what is left of my ENDUROX CHOCLATE recovery drink. About 1/3 of the can is left. This stuff will make you fart like mad, but if you mix it with some milk and coffee it tastes like Starbucks. I have 3 pairs of shoes and 10 pairs of wool socks. Some are short socks and some are super long. You decide what makes you look the coolest. One pair of yellow shoes just so you can look like TJ and POWERS of Cyclocross World. Yellow is the new Black. They were actually black, but I bought some spray paint and gave them a quick paint to make them waterproof. I am throwing in my UCI license that has 8 coveted UCI points on it. Why earn the points when you can buy them. I have a cool Wool jersey you can wear after the race so you blend in perfectly with the screaming crowd. You don’t have to scream too loud because I am including my cow-bell also. Not only do I want you to look like a bad ass racer, I want you also to be equipped to be the SUPER FAN. I can hardly ring the bell now without tears. I am passing the torch. Cross is dead to me. Tons of extras will be thrown in. I will include several *user names and passwords to chat rooms that discuss cyclo-cross. You will blend in like a pro. I have many posts that make me sound fast. It will be easier to draft behind my super cycling intellect than to create your own.

The last items I am including are a National Champion Skin-suit and a bottle of Champagne. I stole the national champion skin-suit from my wife. Sometimes when no one is home I drink a few beers and slip on her skin-suit and stare in the mirror for hours just to feel special. Just pull on the skin-suit and walk around the cyclocross venue in BEND drinking large gulps of cheap Champagne. I promise by the time you finish the entire bottle you will feel like a winner and probably convince yourself to come back next year and race again. Most of the spectators will congratulate you like you’re Katie Compton or Ryan Trebon.

Good luck and Happy Bidding.

A true "BICYCLE REPAIR MAN"!

Great stuff. Why bother taking the wheel off if you know you're just going to patch it! The homemade freewheel removal tool is fantastic. That would have come in handy in the pre-cassette days! I wonder if VAR knows he built a copy their truing stand in his yard.

I like Bob Seger?

Every once and awhile a Bob Seger tune will come on the radio. It happened this morning. I'm not a Bob Seger fan by any stretch. I dont' own a thing he's written, never been to a concert, don't own a t-shirt...and I HATE, HATE "Lke a Rock". Yet there I was, listening, no, almost enjoying "Rock and Roll Never Forgets". Hell, that song didn't even make his "long awaited" Greatest Hits Vol. I CD. So why couldn't I turn it off? I sat and pondered that for awhile. Was it because I could now, only after years of musical training, appreciate the arrangement and musicianship? Maybe it was the hammering piano? Or maybe, and this is that part that started to scare me, it was that Bob Seger had somehow seeped into my genes. Growing up in Detroit, avoiding Bob Seger music was like avoiding air. Not a breath went by when you didn't hear him on the radio. I swear it felt as if W4 only had two albums to spin, Bob, and Ted Nugent. Over time, I think those songs just became part of my growing up whether I liked it or not. What I was feeling was nostalgia; my blue stingray, the backyard pool, Sentry Drugs and games of pickle. Now I just wished I'd a listened to more Stevie Wonder in grade school.

LARPD #7. Race Report #8. The neverending story.

First and foremost, thanks TC. I would have never closed the cavernous gap to FTM if it wasn't for that effort of yours. I'm just sorry I didn't have anything left to finish it off. I tried, despite appearances, I really did. It was nice to have the HLN8R there too. 1st time all season. Sorry I couldn't win it for you babe. The truth is, I had no such illusions (or should it be delusioins) going in. Not only was MFS on hand having won the last 5 races and peaking for Nats, but FTM showed up as well as Phil (coming off an illness, but clearly on the rebound). At this point, I have lost so much fitness to think of wins, but I've still been clinging to two modest goals; the series win and upgrade points. As usual, it went off hard and I tried to stay with a few of the Open and Masters As to create some gaps. MFS, FTM and Phil thought like wise and the four of us got away. We didn't stay together long. Phil slide out on a deceptively slick 180 and I went down too. I was milking his wheel fro all it was wirth. MFS and FTM got around. Phil got untangled first and sprinted to latch on. I could not do likewise. A lap later, I saw that FTM had fallen off the pace. It was at this moment that TC came rolling though and I jumped his wheel. That boy can motor. It hurt like hell to hold on the long straights, but we were pulling back FTM. Maybe there was a point up for grabs after all. Unfortunately, TC started to fade about 5 bike lengths from making contact and I faded with him. By the time I had enough oxygen in my brain to form a cogent thought and pull around, that gap had grown to 7 lengths. From there it just kept growing, inch by inch. It's not a course on which one can hide so FTM just marked me. I tried to close the gap, but every acceleration I could muster was countered. I languished there for the remainder of the race, losing more and more ground as my demoralization deepened. As luck would have it, MFS snapped the spider of his crank at the most distant point from the pit and eneded up DFL. Gots me a point afterall, curtesy of those fickle gods of cross. In cross, you just never know.

BASP #4. Race Report #7

Slowth: \'sloh th\. adj. from slow + sloth. f-ing slow.
I was the rip van winkle of sloth this past weekend. oh how the not-so-mighty have fallen, well, tripped really. That was a lot of hurt for such a crap placing. How am I suppose to motivate now. I'd cry if I wasn't so dehydrated. I'm soliciting proposals.

Maybe this will cheer me up...

Say hello to my little friend. Race report #6

So it turns out I had sinusitis. It was moving to my lungs. Can you say "bacterial pneumonia"? 2 days after starting the antibiotics, I was ready to race. Well, sorta. The mind was willing but the body was week. Very, very very,very,week. Turned my self inside out just to hold onto my series placing. Now if there were only a pill I could take to get back 6 weeks of fitness. I don't like shots.

27b/6

Been meaning to blog about this site for a while. It's one of those sites I visit when I need a little cheering up. This post has it in spades. I have these kinds of dialog in my head all the time. David Thorne actually has the B*LLS and apparent self-employed job security that lets him do it in public...on a regular basis. It could also be made up, either way, it's funnt. *WARNING*. lots of F-bombs.

And you thought you could live without the InterWeb

Race Report #6? I wish there was one.

I'm almost hoping the Doc tells me on Thursday that I have mono or something. At least I'll have a reason for the way I feel. I've been sick for 5 of the past 6 weeks. Two completely different vectors.
This last one has been a doozey. Symptoms impervious to remedies both modern and ancient. Can barely ride much less train or race. It's hard to stay positive. My entire year is based around cross season. No Cross=No fun=>Mr Grumpy. One minute I just want to say "F#CK IT and eat every ice cream sandwhich in the freezer, the next I'm lamenting my TSS chart, which looks like I fell off a cliff, and wondering how to scrap the 3lbs I've added.
CRAPCRAPCRAP

Why Cross Rulz #53

Courtesy of Lee, originally uploaded by tedketai.

One Glad, One Sad

Two great animations, but for two different reasons.

Howdy Ladies!

IMG_0838, originally uploaded by J. Suzuki.

It was also good to see PuddinPie back racing. As you can see, the new-baby induced lack of sleep has not worn even a hint of shine off his Cary Grant smooth.

That was one expensive DFL! Race report #5

IMG_0468, originally uploaded by J. Suzuki.

I learn (or re-learn) something new at every race. At yesterday's BASP - Coyote Point I learned the following:
1) The south bay Bay Trail loop JS and I used at warmup makes the East bay version look like a bad asian knock-off. It was so nice, that if we didn't have numbers pinned, we would have just kept on riding.
2) Great team-mates are both a blessing and a curse. More on that later.
3) 28h reflex rims are plenty strong for my 155lbs of bacon, but don't stand a chance against a 175 lbs BUTT side load. More on that later too.
Things I re-learned.
1) Have a pit bike ready to go....I mean REALLY ready to go.
2) Never EVER look back at a crash involving a rider who just face planted on pavement 10 frantic pedal strokes into a race. I mean..WTF happened? 3 seconds into the race and the guy to my right STACK it hard and there's a rear wheel next to me face. I hope he's o.k. It looked baaaad.

Despite the comedy of errors that befell me yesterday, I was in a surprisingly upbeat mood driving home. Maybe is was the warm-up? Maybe the post-race thermos of coffee or maybe it was the fact that I didn't feel like total crap afterward. I've been sick for almost 3 weeks so it was nice to feel like that monkey was no longer flinging poo at me. I had a decent race, fitness wise, but started so far down in the hole, that I almost....almost packed it in. You see, not more that 5 seconds after that face plant, I got tangled up. At least two of us went down. The other rider got up unscathed. I got up to find his chainring had torn an inch gash in the side wall of my new TUFO, his significant behind had taco'd my rear wheel, and my bars were pointing west while everything else looked north. Now here comes the hard part. Since this was the start, I now stood a good 300 yards from my pit bike. Thrwarting our rapid union was a steep hill and woodchip. Needless to say, by the time I got it, Elvis had left the building. I flail-iantly chased on my SS in a 40x19 with file treads (see lessons re-learned #1). Anyone who raced the course yesterday just laughed at that. It was brutal hard to pedal and keystone-cop funny to steer. I figured it was pointless. I was heading for the truck. Coming into the start finish, I was looking for the exit, when much to my chagrin...er...suprise, my teamates were frantically yelling. "We've got your other bike! We've got your other bike!" They had found a rear, straightened my bars and had my geared vagen waiting for my. You PEOPLE are Awesome. Don't ever do that again! I soon found out that while I had a new rear, I couldn't shift into the small ring. The crash had messed the front shifter. The pit wheel would also only shift into the 23. Oh Joy. Rode the race in a 46x23. Gratned it was better than the 40x19...but only by this much (squeeze thumb and forefinger together). On the drive home I was adding up the damage. $85 tire, $100 to repair the rear, $150 for a new shifter all for a DFL...yet it didn't get me down. I guess feeling better CAN make you feel good. Now to get some fitness back.

Bravery as a way of life.

"The woman at my polling place asked me do I believe in equality for gay and lesbian people. I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her: what do you think I fought for in Omaha Beach?"

Gift horse. Race Report #4

I hate racing sick, but I had little choice. Fortuna smiled slightly however, and I managed to come away with 2nd. I will be eternally grateful. General concsensus was that the new kit was worth 5-10 seconds per lap too. I'd have to agree. I wasn't feeling great and knew it during warm up. MFS was on hand, as was the "Cheetah", last years series winner. To my surprise, Cheetah was also sporting a new kit. To my dismay, it was the same as MFS. I was going to have my work cut out. Now two of the fastest singlespeeders out there were teammates. Double crap. My foggy brain thought the tactic of the day was to lead from the front. I was thinking that if we could establish a gap, they'd be content to ride my sorry pace. In hind site, maybe I should have tried to sit on. Sure enough we got the gap I was hoping for, but they weren't content with me snailing around the course and the attacks started early. Cheetah attatcked on the long straight, knowing he out geared me a bit. It hurt big-time to stay on his wheel. On the 2nd or 3rd lap, MFS counter attacked hard and I had no choice but to watch. Cheetah sat on my wheel. Fate interviened moments later however, and Cheetah flatted. The gap we had established was mercifully sufficient for me to settle in and hang on although I didn't know it. I was in a daze the whole race, unable to tell where I was in relation to the chaser. I hope I didn't dig my self into too deep a hole.

Note: Check out "Letters of Note".

Just tuned into Letters of Note. It's a great site that, in there own words "is an attempt to gather and sort fascinating letters, postcards, telegrams, faxes, and memos. Scans/photos where possible. Fakes will be sneered at". The letters and whatnot usually involve some famous/infamous fgure/celebrity. They range from the touching to the obscene, the quirky to the down-right educational. Enjoy.

Race Report #3. The Whine Cellar, Mclaren and Myrah

Yep, you saw it here first. My new secret weapon. From the "Ministry of Silly Walks Stretching for Athletes DVD, I'm goose stepping my way into shape just prior to the self mortification of that which is Mclaren. Goose stepping is the new Kettle Ball., didn't you know?
There's no real reason to whine about Mclaren. Lots of people do it better than I. To be honest, it's not the course (Course layout courtesy of PuddinPie) that tweaks me so much. What sucks harder than the run-up-hairballdecent-climbuponclimb is the everything that's not the course. The parking, of which there is none, the surrounding environs, which leave no place to warm up, and the, um, neighborhood. During my 'warm-up' through the streets, I watched a two seperate yoots casing cars. Nice. At least they moved several blocks from my car after saying "Good morning" to them 4 or 5 times as I rode around. I really had unrealistic expectations for the race. I'd been feeling sub-par since Wednesday. My tune-up ride the day before was harder than the numbers would suggest and my legs just wouldn't come around during warm-up. The adrenaline of running top 5 lasted until the base of the paved climb. Then, three minutes into the race, the wheels fell off. I went from 5th to 10th in 10 seconds. 10th to 15th in the next 20 seconds. It's at this point a smart man heads for the car, gets dressed and comes back to the course with a cow bell. I so wish I could be that man. Instead, I continued to suffer, unable to respond to even the push from Tom. Fatigue caused my fumble after the barriers and a mechanical. Just salt on the wound. The only consolation was Don Myrah. Not that I like getting lapped by anyone, but if that anyone is a former world champion, my ego sleeps a bit sounder. He's been poking his way back into cross the last few years, but he's full-time serious this season. And let me tell you, he was putting on a clinic. I was able to stay within sight of him until the decent. He dropped as if on a freerider. A sight to see. Crazy. Just rooster tails and dust. After eating up the 35+ As, he took a switch to the Elite A's. Gonna be fun to watch.



IMG_8979, originally uploaded by J. Suzuki.

DFL + Bici Girl = Crazy Delicious

David buzzes by, originally uploaded by Bici Girl.

Hard to beat that combo...great pics by Bici Girl and the DFL Crossdresser Series Finale Grande. Awesome.

Check out more here!
note: for those who live outside the 94### zip, The DFL series is a bunch o' bandit cross races held in the SF environs...Wear a dress, race for free. No Dress = Uber Heckle. Le Mans starts. They rule.

Embrace it?

Ok. Several friends have now either sent this to me, told me about it or drawn itfreehand from memory. Some clearly want me to laugh along with them while others seem unable to decide which intersection I most resemble and want my help. Meh.

Close Call. Race Report #2 2009

Phew! that was close. I almost screwed up for the 2nd week in a row. Fortunately I screwed up for real, and MyFavSandwich took advantage. It was the smallest of bobbles at the most inopportune time! Super Genius I am not. I've been racing with MFS for years. We've always been closely matched, but it was always an on/off sorta thing. One week I'd be good, the next week he'd be on fire. This year however, we are both on...on...on. This week was a mirror of last week w/ MFS taking the win. Both races had us glued to one another.....and I mean glued. He's so smooth I can ride 6 inches of his wheel. In cross, that's basically joined at the hip. It appears we're also thinking alike too. Last week, all the SS were lined up on the back row thinking we would go on a separate whistle from the rest of the A's. Nope. Needless to say, we both went hard at the gun this time to put as many bikes in between each other as we could. At least that's what I was thinking ;-) Within half a lap, I was hanging on for dear life as one of MFS's geared teammates was pulling us both around the course. Dear God those 1st two laps almost did me in. Mercifully, the pace eased a bit. We had a gap on 3rd place, neither could shake the other, and here in NorCal, SS races are sadistically 60 minutes so we settled in for the slog. I took the lead with two to go. We kept getting wrapped up w/ a few other A's but it was my own fault when I pushed a loose gravel turn, opened up some daylight and MFS got underneath for the good line through some loose 180s. He shut the door on me around a tree ( I woulda done the same) and gassed it as we hit the straight for the sprint. There was no coming around. Nice racing all around though. Should be a fun season.

Oh Crap....CX Race report #1 2009.

Well now I've gone and done it. I somehow managed to screw up my entire season in a mere 30 seconds. Yep. That's right. The first cross race of the season. A tune up really. I training race. No big deal. So why did I go and do the unthinkable. What did I do? I sprinted. Me. Sprinted...and won. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I did wrong. Ok. Seriously, it was a great day but not for the aforementioned gross error in judgement. It marked the return of the HLN8R and rung in the arrival of the MADDster in her 1st bike race EVR. The smile on her face was...well...unexpected. She really had fun despite nerves, inexperience and a crash. She truly enjoyed herself. If she were to decide tomorrow that her racing days were over, I wouldn't be disapppointed in the least. Ok. a bit.

Blinded by Cute

Three Cheers and a Tiger for you Rep. Barney Frank

I like this very much. No matter what side of the toast you put your jam on, this deserves a nod.

Rep. Barney Frank attempting to talk to a, well one would have to say, slightly to-the extreme-right woman at a town hall.

"You stand there with a picture of the president defaced to look like Hitler and compare the effort to increase health care to the Nazis," he said, adding such behavior demonstrated the strength of First Amendment guarantees of what he called "contemptible" free speech.

"Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table," Frank said to the woman. "I have no interest in doing it."

More here.

ps. I think he should have taken her on...every argument I've ever had w/ my dining room table I've won.

I live in a biscuit tin..

But thanks to my sister, I now know about Banksy. Seems I'm always a bit late to the party.

Long live Zed!

I want to apologize to my loyal readers. You deserve better.

Wait, now that I think about it, It's Sean that owes the apology.

Toys I would steal from my own children #1.

I would claim this in a heartbeat!
A handmade wool felt Jabba! Jeetswesus!
More pics here!

I was there GODDAMMIT! Pescadero redux

ok. so not only do I get my ass kicked at Pescadero, I don't even get partial credit for such a beating. I was #906 ferchrissake. I'm no where to be found. I really would like to quanitfy my patheticnessless, thank you very much. It took me hours to find this crappy photo.
See. That's me...right....there (points finger). At least I know I wasn't worst place.

Race Report #2. Pescadero RR.

I'm stickin' with cross.
Why suffer and suck for three hours when you can suffer and suck for just 45 minutes.

My new T-shirt slogan for this fall!

" Cyclocross. All the pain and suffering of a full sized road race in a smaller, more convenient package!"

Once a crit-monkey, always a crit-monkey I guess. Race report #1?

Growing up in 70's and 80's in Detroit, if you wanted to race bicycles you had two choices; crits or the Dorais Velodeome. The latter is a post unto it's own, but suffice it to say, prior to racing on it one often had to pull weeds growing up through the cracks. Road races were almost unheard of and mountain biking didn't take really take hold until the late 80's. Crit's were it. It's actually the only racing I really did until I became a "dirtie" ( my roommate/roadie/trackie nickname for me). I didn't loathe them then as I do now simply because I didn't know any better. I was a crit monkey simply from ignorance. I still cant' read a road race for shit. A crit on the other hand, I seem to have cold. One would not know this from looking at my reg. stats...

05/26/2008 - SugarCRM Memorial Day Criterium - Criterium - Cat 4/5 - Master - 45-99
DNS	Thomas Hoeffel	16403	00:00.00		Kaiser Permanente/Team Oakland
05/27/2006 - Livermore Criterium/Northern Calif/Nevada Jr Crite - Criterium - - 35-99
21	Thomas Hoeffel	16403		902	Cylcesports/Trumer Pils
02/11/2006 - Apple Pie Criterum - Criterium - Master - Master 1 - 35-99
3	Thomas Hoeffel	16403		378	Cycle Sports
09/28/2002 - Presidio Classic - Criterium - Master - 30-99
DNF	Thomas Hoeffel	16403

Yep. that's 4 crits (5 including saturday) in 7 years! But back in my late teens/early 20's, I use to do that in a month. Even funnier is that one is a DNS (sick) and the other was a DNF due to a timely (4 to go) and merciful flat on that god awful Presidio course. In short, once upon a time, I did a LOT of crits and tactics, or lack there of, really haven't changed all that much.

So why do I keep registering for these things? Stupidity? Boredom? Sun spots? I gave myself over to the cross gods long ago. But the cross season is short ergo the "off season" is long. It's hard to keep motivated. At least that's the thesis I'm sticking with for how I came to find myself at this poorly attended crit on Saturday.

Ok. OK. Enough already..Here's the race report.

It's windy as hell. Crazy windy. There are only 15 of us on the line. I know none of them. The former is a miracle in and of itself given that bay area masters fields fill up within a week of posting, no matter how lame the event. The fact I dont' know anyone is not that suprising. Heck, I dont' even recognize my own teammate. Apparently, the Venn diagram of crit and cross sets has a much smaller intersection than even I imagined. At first I thought the small field was a good thing. The headwind changed my mind. To start things off, I opted for some drama. As I was ramping up to do some higher intensity pieces just before the start, my cleat adapter pulled off. There was my cleat firmly attached to the sidi adapter plate which was in turn, firmly connected to the pedal, not my shoe! Miraculously, one screw remained in the adapter plate, held in by plastic mashed from walking. The others were orphaned on the road. Mild panic. I had seen my friend Cheetah earlier, rolling around the course watching his protoges race. Maybe I could swap pedals/shoes? At that very moment, I watched him drive away in the distance. Shit! End mild panic. Begin genuine panic. I rush back to the truck, grab my toolbag and rummage....nothin'. Double Shit. I tighten down the one remaining screw. Yeah, that'll hold....not. Suddenly, I actually come up with a sane thought! Rob a 2nd screw from the other shoe (which still has all three)! I do some quick jumps to make sure everything stays put, then roll to the line. I nod to same-jersey-guy and off we go.

The course is a *new* painfully short, near perfect 1 km square. I miss the old course.




















We are set to do a mind numbing 35 laps.
After just 3 laps, 2 riders jump clear. I snicker. A lap later, I'm asked by another rider, lets call him Vlad, if I want to bridge up with him. I must appear fit or something. I tell him "I still need to get a few laps in my legs, besides, they're not going anywhere". A moment later, my teammate jumps away and Vlad decides to go with him. Hmmm. There's still a lot of racing to do and that headwind is nasty. I play the dutiful teammate and sit on everyone's wheel. No one's going to bridge w/o dragging me along. As predicted though, that little chase begins to come apart and the two early birds aren't making much progress. I figure as soon as we catch same-jersey and Vlad, I'll counter. I try to give same-jersey a heads-up when I go, but he doesn't or can't join in. I draw 3 others out including Vlad, and we bridge. There's now 6 in the break. I figured this would stick and sure enough it did (we ended up lapping the field, such as it was). I did some recon on a prime and SUPRISE!, realized I was the weakest sprinter, but not the weakest rider. I start to take stock of the break. There's Vlad, Red Bull, Chewbacca, Kermit, Mr never-pull-into-the-wind,( lets, just call him Jerk) and me. My only chance at a decent placing is to whittle things down. Jerk is really pissing me off early in the break. He feigns work and takes pretend pulls, but he looks to be a strong sprinter. I quietly vow to see he doesn't win. As we establish a good gap, we settle into the monotony. The wind is really taking it's toll on me though. Down wind we soft-pedal at 28MPH. Into the wind it's a struggle to push 19. We do this ad naseum until Kermit and Red Bull get bored and jump with about 15 to go. It's a good strong move and they get a gap, but a two laps later, Kermit looks to be pedaling squares. I figure there's no way Red Bull can go it alone so I wait. I try and get Vlads attention and mention my plan. Of all the others, he's rolling the smoothest. If the two of us can get away, I think we can make it stick. I up the pace, hoping to reel the others in w/about 10 to go. With 9 to go, we catch. I look back at Vlad and think he sees me. I jump and get a gap, I put in one more big effort into the wind, but look to find Jerk on my wheel instead of Vlad! I pull off and he doesn't come around. Game over. No way am I towing this guy clear. I can feel my hamstring beginning to cramp. If I stand up to jump again, they'll seize so I just sit and dig. I try a 2nd half hearted jump, but it goes no where as well. I just dont' have the legs...and for some reason, I'm the one being marked. I find this amusing. If they only knew the state I'm in. It actually makes me laugh out loud. With half a lap to go, Red Bull puts in a BIG effort, I get his wheel, but my legs snap off and fall into the gutter as a result. Everyone goes by. C'est la vie. I go back find my legs, but some kids have already run off, using them as light sabers. My hamstrings start to seize so bad I'm not sure I can drive home. WTF? Wattage wise, the race was hardly news worthy, but I soon realize 'fit' does not equal 'crit fit'. Those efforts out of the corners and into that wind have destroyed my hams. Vlad and I chat afterwards. He agrees the plan would have worked, but he hadn't really caught everything I was try to say because of the wind.
So I'm barely able to walk and got zip to show for it. Vlad got 3rd?

On the plus side, I did read the race to a tee.

But simply knowing is not enough. Much to my chagrin, you need some legs to pull it off.

Oh, and the Jerk got nada!.

Lets do the time warp again!

My friend Rhoda is reliving his youth in style. He recently completed this beauty, a custom Retrotec with just a smitch of gilding.
















He's been all smiles for weeks. So have I and I haven't even ridden the damn thing. All that glorious anodizing took me back a looooong way. Back to the first custom bike I ever laid eyes on. It was (and still is) owned by Monsieur Rick. At the time, M. Rick was the head wrench at GypinNRippin. He later owned the other shop I worked in for many years. I met him and his bike on rides he and BIG DAVE led outta the Y. The bike really had an influence on my 16 yr old brain. I had no idea something like that could exist. He let me ride it. I swooned. M. Rick and I have been friends for nearly 30 yrs so it was without hesitation on either end that I asked for and received some bad pics and even worse copy from him. Here's what he sent.

"here is what I can remember about the history of these bikes. (remember, my brother Jim has a fraternal twin to mine. The geometry is not the same (tighter rear triangle) and his has a different patern of panels on the seat tube.)

I am pretty sure I built these in 1974. we picked Proteus design company of College Park, MD because they would build a frame to my dimensions, they used DuPont Imron paint, they could chrome plate the dropouts (only the dropouts - this was for durability, not flash. I didn't want 8 inches of chromed stays & forks which was common on high end bikes of that era.), and we could afford them.

I wanted my bike to feel sporty & be fairly quick handling so I went with 73 degree head & seat tube angles & 1 5/8" of fork rake. I also was doing some bike touring at that time and I wanted to be able to mount by frame pump behind the seat tube so I had fairly long chain stays. with the horizontal Campi dropouts I could push the wheel all the way forward & get a fairly normal (so I thought) feel to the back end. I remember us swapping bikes one ride & you commented that the bike handled like a full size Porsche station wagon, quick handling front end & the rear follows along a while later. after riding other stock high end bikes later in my life, I realized just how much truth there was to that assessment. but, I digress... the frame was made of double butted Reynolds 531 (remember, that's 5 - 3 - 1, not 5 - 31) tubing, silver brazed with (I forget whos) cutout lugs & a fastback seat cluster. I am pretty sure the BB shell was a Cinelli that they cut out to my pattern. The fork had a Cinelli slopping crown. (pretty, but not very stiff. I straightened the fork a couple of times - no crashes, just hard riding knocked it out.) after I converted this bike to a single speed commuter, I put on a carbon fork (Michigan roads are soooo smooth).

the groupo was full Campi Nuovo Record (they came out with Super Record a year or two later.) I dismantled the components & took them to a local machine shop that did anodizing. we had to be careful that NO steel was included, as the anodizing gave the aluminum parts a beautiful color that resisted corrosion, it would have turned any steel (pivot pins, hub cups, etc...) into disfigured junk. we went with a combinatioon of gold & black parts because we thought it looked cool (& we were from Detroit.) these were also colors that came out of the anodizing tanks with pretty consistant color. blue, red, etc... may come out lighter or darker shades, depending on the alloy (at least that is what the anodizing shop told us.) when I swapped forks I had to do away with my Cinelli handlebar & stem. (no one makes a direct connect stem with the 26.4mm clamp size that Cinelli used back then) I didn't mind too much since they were only 38cm wide (again, the style back then.).

I should point out a few things:

• M. Rick was 16 in 1974. How many 16 yr old do you know with the savy to purchase a custom frame? In 1974 no less?
  
• M. Rick was not born with a silver anything in his mouth so he obviously had his priorities straight. That's a lot of lawns to mow.
• Imron was light years ahead of the crap paint coming out of Italy in those days, but growing up in Detroit, Imron was known to even 3rd graders.
  
• Dig the saddle...Is that an avocet!?!?
  
• 35 years later, the bike is still in service as a daily commuter!
  
• It's the same Proteus Design that authored the framebuilding handbook.
• Proteus was also one of the 1st US builders to be certified to silver solder 753.
• Missing are pics of the custom cutouts, and the gold and black anodized F. & R Ders!
  
• Later revisions of the Nuovo Rec. R. ders wouldn't allow for anodizing as the steel spring was held in w/ a non replaceable pin instead of the small steel nut and bolt.
• M. Rick plays some fine Bass.
  
• Those ARE some really crappy pics!

M. Rick, I'm even more impressed than before. You were a nerd when I met you. You must have been one really nerdy 16 yr old. Coming from me, that saying something! Wear it proud!
You and your bro were really at the head of the class. Take a bow.
That is still one great looking bike. I do miss the original fork though. I'd love it if you restored it and had everything re-anodized but I know that's not your style.

Way to go my man, way to go.

More people I hate!

I Hate creative people. HATE. THEM. My sister, the kids at Stamen, Sacha, my "Mad Men" neighbor and just about everyone at House Industries. Damn them all. I've always wanted to be cool, have a cool business card, hand them to people who had no interest whatsoever in whatever it was I was doing. The card however, would stop them stupid and change their mind. I even started a business long ago just so I could have an excuse to get one. The aforementioned sister came up with a sweet logo to boot. But alas, I was in the veritable debtors prison of students loans and could not afford such luxury. Then I came upon this site and realized just how futile my efforts would have been. I'm on my knees.

Here's just a smudge of what's behind the curtain.





























There's sooo much more.

Seeing is believing...

Unless of course you are looking at the Michael Jackson Neverland auction items.

Be sure to check out the comments on the actual flickr set if you have the time.
Though sparse, I couldnt' agree more.

2:08 minutes of smile.

If you're about my age, you are a Raymond Scott fan even if you don't know it. And if you are not one after listening to this, the grumpy bus leaves in 5 minutes...please be on it. Someday, I will pull together the quintet/sextet/octet, pull out my "Powerhouse" arrangements, and let er rip' to the delight of neighbors young and old. And Oh if I could only locate a Celeste, "Toy Trumpet" and "Minute in Jazz" look out!

Hooray for Sciencessness!

Hg is one of my favorite elements from a strictly nerdgeek point of view. From a treehunging one, though, it's a bitch. I'm also partial to K (spontaneous combustion. Yeah!), Li(spontaneous combustion AND mind altering!) Os (oh so dumb...er...dense), Pr (fun so say and spell), and just about anything radioactive.

Me Like

Some things were funny then and some things are funny now. This is either always funny or was never funny to begin with. I'm still not sure which. Enjoy...or not.

Brought to you by the good and friendly folks at D&R.

A prayer

Dear God, please do not let me EVER, EVER come across an Eshelman micro car. I'm afraid a would happily pay ridiculous sums to acquire and restore such a piece of 50's perfection
I weep joy just looking at it. More after the jump

Well that's a relief.

Looks like times are tough all over.

"Citigold clients may also receive free non-standard checkbooks if they maintain a combined average balance of at least $500,000 two calendar months prior to placing the order."

That's kindofalot of scratch for free checkin'. Heck, If I had that kinda hay sitting around in my checking/savings, one would presume I had significantly more stashed in accounts bearing a little more than 1.01%.

Feeling a little, well, guilty.

Pictured is my oldest girls first bike, a 16" Trek "Mountain Cub" given to us by a neighbor. Yep. 23.56 lbs.

From March 22, 2009

I think it should be rebadged the Trek "Tiger Tank". Seriously. I pretty sure it's cast iron. I can't imagine schlepping that anchor around the playground all day. It's comically overbuilt. I swear I've seen these frames being used by CalTrans in bridge retrofits. When my daughter started riding it, she was probably in the 30-35lb range. My rain trainer weighs less with fenders, a pump and seat lump.

From March 22, 2009

A lot less. Not to mention ...ahem...the race rig (ed. the vanity me made me post that)

From March 22, 2009

Her new 20" bike weighs mercifully less than the girder she'd been pounding. It's made of that new wonder material ALUMINUM and sports futuristic ALLOY components previously only found on the space shuttle and in top secret military applications.

From March 22, 2009

But I'm still not guilt free. Commiseratory me should be riding around on a 115lb albatross. Since that's not going to happen I'm considering maybe a three piece crank and an SRP ti bolt kit?

Happiness is a warm puppy...and apparently, so is working here.

My last post was a bit of a downer, but we're all getting better, thank you very much. It also helped greatly to swing by xtracycle and visit Pippi and PuddinPie. I knew they had moved to my neck of the urban woods a ways back and always wanted to pedal by. Pippi started working there awhile ago and PuddinPie just started Monday. I rolled up after a quick lunch ride and thought I'd drop in to say "hey". .You woulda thunk it was Christmas from the look on Puddin's face. It cheered me up lots. Then Pippi came out to say "howdy". She's still smiling. No tarnish on this honeymoon yet. There's an old Airstream in the parking lot about to be converted to a conference room and a couch on wheels. That right there is enough to show teeth. Seeing genuinely nice people being happy made me happy too. Thanks g(uy)al.

Nothing.

There's a reason no one tells you about it. The reason is that it cant' be articulated. There are no words that heavy. If there were, their weight would tilt the world on it's axis. Nothing can prepare you for the suffering of your own. Crushing, profoundly crushing.

May I present Bizkit, the sleepwalking dog!

This is funny until the very end...then it's just funny.

Words are useless....gobblegobblegobblegobble

GODDAMMITT!

I freakin' missed it! Juana Molina's come and gone. Who knows when she'll be back. CRAPCRAPCRAP CRAP CRAP! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF*ck!

If you don't know who she is, this clip's a nice intro.. If you don't like it or at least appreciate the craft, I think you should leave now...don't forget your shoes.

Hee Hee!

Just look at the Cheshire on Horners face...You know he's thinkin'
"I love my job."

My sentiments exactly!

Cut and Pasted from Mark Pilders Blog w/o permission or remorse.

a clean well lighted... ...redux

2/19/09

When I finally quit this messenger shit, once and for all, I’m going to open a bike shop. A big bright historic space with huge store front windows and high ceilings and wood floors. With passive solar heating in the winter, and well placed shade in the summer. I’m going to work there all the time, six or seven days a week. The shop will be beautiful, stocked with every bike tool ever invented. French, Italian, Japanese, you name it, I will have it, hung neatly on the shop walls. Everything in its place. A place for everything. I will have two Campagnolo Cork Screws with Cherry handles. I will have seven different kinds of bike tool bottle openers. I will have four brands of headset presses. The 3000 square foot work space will have work stands and tools for 5 full-time mechanics, so I can work on 5 of my bikes all at once. 2 air compressors enclosed in sound proof cases. Truing stands bolted down to work benches 42.5 inches off the ground. I will have two Phil Wood spoke cutters/threaders. There will be cement floors and drains built in so I can hose it all down when the kegs overflow or the chainlube explodes or the cat pukes or the shit hits the fan. I will have shop dogs and shop cats. The bike book library will be monumental. The furniture will be well designed, attractive, comfortable and functional. There will be no non-dairy creamer. The coffee will be good. The beer will be cold. There will be wholesale accounts with everyone and everyone. Paul, Phil, Chris, Grant, Brooks, Mavic, Moots, Sachs, Sidi, Swobo. For me and my friends of course.

I will be at work all the time. I’ll show up 5:30am, or 3:00pm, or not at all. I’ll spend the night. I’ll stay for two weeks straight. Or take a week off if I feel like it. However, the shop will not be open to the public. The sign on the door will say “closed”, and if you flip it over it‘ll say “closed”. I’ll also have a large neon CLOSED sign, and it’ll be on all the time, like a beacon of freedom constantly sending its message, at all hours of the day and night. I’ll be in there working hard on my own bikes. Or on poetry, free lance writing, silk-screening, carpentry, cooking breakfast, pondering or drinking beer and pondering. The shop hours will not be posted. The phone will not be connected, so people cannot call and ask about the shop hours. And there will not be any employees because I won’t need any. This will eliminate any potential human relations issues, staff meetings, communication failures, personality problems, scheduling conflicts, and all the junior-high shit that goes along with trying to run a business with employees. Fuck that.

I will be in the shop but I won‘t be selling anything. Retail bullshit will not enter my sphere of existence. The windows will have incredible displays of bicycle art and elegant simple functional bikes because I like window displays. And I’ll spend hours creating them for my own enjoyment, not to attract customers. I‘ll be in the shop, reading the NY Times, listening to Miles Davis, or the White Stripes, or the Minute Men, or Bob Mould, or Guided by Voices, or Modest Mouse, or Guns n Roses or NPR and drinking coffee and beer and beer and coffee. Customers with stupid questions or flat tires or sheepskin seat covers or cracked carbon fiber forks can knock on the door all day long and I might even notice them between Husker Du songs playing on the Bose Wave Radio, but probably not, and if I do, I’ll give them a half smile then get back to my work. My work as a sole proprietor and my work drinking beer and pondering.

The back door will be unlocked and open whenever I am in the shop. And friends can stop by and bring their dogs and work on their bikes and add or subtract to the cold beer in the double wide Sub-Zero fridge or hit the bottomless pot of black coffee. The shop will include a beautiful stainless steel commercial sized kitchen. And a sleeping loft and an amazing bathroom with more magazines than a news stand, and I will not have to worry about customers fucking it up, because there will not be any customers.

From Russia with Love...

This site is to LOLCATS as Neotame is to sugar. F-ing Hilarious. Here's just a sample...

Bask in your Western accoutrement, Romanov harlot…I prepare your final resting place, as your overfed corpse will make a fine fertilizer for my potato crops

Have strength, my little cabbage. By the mercy of NKVD Order No. 00447, we have been chosen for Resettlement.

We will show the tin mines of Kolyma the true power of the proletariat.

The almost most fun I've had this year!

Man that hurt...Thanks Evan!

photo stolen from esarna

Why didn't I make this!

'Cause I have no talent, but I CAN at least embed urls ;-)

Go Polska Moped! Go!

Stinky Sent me this little treat. Thanks Stinky!

Ding! Fries are done.

I made a connection this morning that I must say, I'm embarrassed to have missed for so long. Once upon a youth, I was a trumpet player and Jack Sheldon was an big inspiration. He had a breezy, airy tone not unlike my own. It's not a tone for classical music, I would be reminded frequently, but I loved the notes that horn sang. He was Vince w/ brass. The album on the left was one of the first records I purchased w/ my own grass cutting money. On my way into work this morning, A Sheldon tune came on. Dont' you love that? Now this was odd? It had a vocaltrack. A vocal? None of the Jack Sheldon I ever purchased had vocal tracks. And I swore it was the same vocalist from "I am a bill/Conjunction Junction". What the F....? I couldn't get to a computer fast enough. Shock! It's all Jack all the time playing and singing! The Wikipedia page was even more amazing. Merv Griffins side kick, acting credits all over the place, playing cuts on Foreign Affairs. How'd I miss THAT ferchrissake. Sooo many connections. I can't wait to see the documentary. Which remindns me...no wonder I was such a fan of Pops (if you jump anywhere from this post, jump there) ....